


Gorgeous

by kapakoscheisigma



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Adultery, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Smut, mentions of Catholic faith, mentions of Islamic faith, mentions of post-rape trauma, mentions of surviving childhood abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-03
Updated: 2014-06-03
Packaged: 2018-02-03 07:46:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1736828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kapakoscheisigma/pseuds/kapakoscheisigma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set durning Improbably Causes/The Die is Cast. </p>
<p>Back on the station Julian is worried for Garak, but the time away gives him opportunity to reflect on where the relationship is going. Miles is worried about Julian's mental state and missing Keiko. They comfort each other, but will they regret it in the morning...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gorgeous

It was forty hours now since Odo and Garak had left the station – and not one word. Dr. Bashir was practically drowning himself in work to prevent himself from going insane with worry. Or to think. This unexpected interlude in his and Garak’s relationship had started him thinking – even questioning – how things stood between him and Garak and he did not like it. He was scared. Garak was the best thing to happen to him, wasn’t he? He’d helped him come to terms with his childhood abuse. Under Garak’s careful mentoring he had matured, gained respect from his colleagues. Even though Garak said it, he loved him, didn’t he? Julian didn’t like the thoughts and questions that were plaguing him constantly. Garak may be dead or captured and all Julian did was worry about Garak’s lies, his lack of trust in him. When he’d heard that explosion he’d been so afraid for Garak, his heart sick with worry and fear – and yet Garak had blown up his own shop! He would trust no-one, not even his lover. Even if Garak didn’t trust Sisko or Odo, couldn’t he have least trusted his lover? Julian did know how to keep his mouth shut, how dare Garak assume otherwise – and how dare he explicitly tell him off in front of his commanding officer about ‘letting his imagination run away with him’ – as if he were really making it all up! Garak’s sole purpose seemed to have been to distract attention and make him look small; he didn’t care for Julian’s feelings in the matter! And when Garak was about to leave, all Julian had wanted to do was fall into him arms, kiss him, cling on to him and hold him tight, wish him luck, tell him to be careful, tell him he’d miss him. But oh no, Garak had to tease him, play the spy again. That mystery man might have been sexy when they first got together, but not now. Why wouldn’t Garak consider moving in with him officially? Why did he insist on keeping his room – his secrets? As for Julian’s little secret fantasy of true commitment, of marriage, of even adopting one or two Cardassian war orphans from Bajor – well! He was simply too afraid to mention it.

Well, anyway, it was late and Julian was reviewing all his research notes methodically. He’d already done all there was to be done in the Infirmary, finally got around to that complete pharmaceutical inventory and at last sent those letters owing to his twin Alessandra and to Palis and Charley. He’d started praying again – now seemed to be a good time – but he couldn’t even do that until just before the station’s diurnal ‘day’ began. He’d decided to get some Tarkalian tea but, tired and overwrought, he knocked half a dozen padds and books on the floor. He was bending over to pick them up when Chief O’Brien came into the Infirmary.

“Julian? Are you there?” Sweet Jesus! The boy was bending over! How on Earth could Miles be a neutral, supportive friend when...?

Julian hadn’t heard him. Keen to retrieve the lost book he dropped to his knees ad crawled under the desk.

“Dr. Bashir?” O’Brien said a little louder, taking a step nearer.

“What?” Julian sat up. “Ow!” he crawled out and looked up at O’Brien with confused eyes, rubbing the top of his head. “Chief! What can I do for you? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Miles extended his hand to pull Julian to his feet. Julian couldn’t think of a time since he’d ‘come out’ about his sexuality and his relationship with Garak that the Chief had wanted any physical contact. “Actually Julian, I came to see if you were all right.” 

“Me?” Julian suddenly felt dizzy. He was tired and hungry.

“Steady Julian.” Miles guided Julian back to his chair. “You look tired. I don’t suppose you’ve had much sleep since -?”

“You’re worried about me missing - !? Oh dear! I really don’t feel well.” Julian put his head between his knees. “It can’t be concussion, I only banged my head,” Julian muttered. “Can you pass me -?” He waved his hand towards a medical tricorder. “Ooh!” He put his head further down. He really couldn’t remember if he’d slept at all since Garak left! “Feel dizzy,” he muttered apologetically to O’Brien.

“Have you eaten today?” O’Brien sounded quite paternal in his concern.

“N-no, too busy.”

“More like too upset. You don’t need a medical tricorder to tell you to eat – I can do that and I’m not a doctor,” O’Brien said acerbically.

“Uh?” Julian’s head snapped up. The room began to spin. “Oh God!”

“Put your head back down!” O’Brien roughly pushed Julian’s head back to his knees and stomped off to the replicator. Anytime he was in danger of showing his real feelings for Julian he became irritable and unpleasant. If anyone had pointed out this was a truly Cardassian way of showing sexual desire and affectation he would not have been pleased to say, in the very least. Particularly as it was the kind of Cardassian wanting and courtship Garak suppressed in himself, as he did his desire for rough sex. He was nothing but gentle with Julian.

“Here.” More gently, O’Brien slowly helped Julian back up into a sitting position and, cradling the back of his head, held a glass of orange juice to his lips. Julian drank a little. “Feel better?”

“A bit.”

“Here.” O’Brien handed him a plate of toast and went to get him some more juice. He sat opposite Julian, watching sternly to make sure all the toast was eaten “What possessed you to neglect yourself like this?” he wanted to know.

“It’s er – um – Ramadan?”

“Don’t try that excuse on me as, firstly, the station’s diurnal day ended hours ago, and secondly, Allah would not thank you for endangering the lives of everyone here by starving the only doctor, would he now?” O’Brien began by sounding gruff but ended up in a gently Irish lilt that spoke volumes of the way he genuinely felt. 

Julian looked at Miles curiously, as if noticing him for the first time. “No,” he said softly, quite ashamed.

“You know you’re excused. You can’t fast and be a doctor on call 26 hours a day, can you now?”

Julian looked inquiringly at O’Brien. “Oh?” he said even softer.

“I looked this Ramadan business up when I knew you were praying again,” O’Brien explained to the questioning stare. “What is it – feed a poor person for every day you can’t fast? I think all that extra work you do for the Bajoran and Cardassian orphans means you’re in credit somewhat, doesn’t it Julian?”

“How come you know about that? I keep it a secret. Come to think of it, how do you know I’m praying?”

“It’s either the damp face five times a day or the Nur,” O’Brien half-joked, not really answering either question, answering both.

Julian laughed awkwardly. “Are you watching me Miles Edward O’Brien?” Almost – but not quite – flirting with me. “God’s light does not shine from me, does it? How can it? I’m a ... sodomite.” Julian picked the ancient word, rather all the historic, more colourful ones from the nineteenth and twentieth century his father always chose. He could chose another: freak. But he couldn’t tell anyone about what happened to him, much less how his father had despaired how he if he had known the little Julian would grown up into a poof, he’d have got those genes ‘fixed’ too.

Miles leaned forward and put his fingers to Julian’s lips. “Don’t you dare call yourself such a word. You know it’s not true.”

“Oh? Inaccurate, I suppose. Yes, I’m a catamite then.” Self-loathing and hatred learnt from his father’s rejection of all he was and had been dripped from his words. Julian would never have been so hard on himself, used such nasty, historical insults, if he hadn’t been so exhausted and stressed by worry and fear fro Garak, and uncertainty in what he and Garak would have once – if! – Garak returned.

“Julian!” Miles cried in despair. “I actually meant what I said –” Julian looked at him disbelievingly, disbelieving the fact they were almost having a spiritual conversation, disbelieving what Miles was saying – it just wasn’t done in polite human society. If one still followed one of Earth’s many ancient religions, one kept it very much to one’s self, let alone commented kindly on the spiritual state of another! Miles went on, breaking taboo, bringing in his own, hitherto unknown religious knowledge, in, “Filled with the Holy Spirit or possessing Nur, I mean it. You are a fundamentally good person Julian Bashir. Who you love isn’t sinful.”

And to be sure, hadn’t Miles been working this one out since he first sure Julian in that tight uniform when he arrived on DS9! With his own secret Catholic upbringing and not so secret bisexuality to square! “Hell’s teeth Julian! I came to see you to offer a bit of company. I knew you’d be worried about Garak, and just plain missing him no doubt? I never expected to find you half-starved and neglecting yourself! What is the bloody matter with you?” Miles’ voice was gruff, Irish, exasperated and his guard completely down, love shone from his eyes. Julian didn’t notice, his eyes were locked onto a distant spot on the floor.

“I’m only telling the truth,” he said, not answering any questions.

“With ancient words.” Does loving another man deny you the right to be frightening when he and Odo and the runabout are all missing?”

“But half of me is glad and wished he’d never come back!” Julian clamped his hand over his mouth and his eyes widened in horror. He was so tired. He never meant to say that, even if he was thinking it.

A thousand thoughts, hopes, dreams, possibilities and emotions ran through Miles. He tried to speak but just stared, trying to look sympathetic, but his expression was shock tinted with a little hopeful lust. Julian was too embarrassed to notice. He reached out and touched O’Brien’s knee. “I never meant that. I never did! of course I’m worried – about the Constable too! It’s just that I’ve been thinking – I mean, not really, just feeling a bit angry – you know? About the fact he still doesn’t trust me, that he lies to me, that he won’t commit himself fully. All I am to him is a distraction, I think. Someone to discuss literature, relieve the boredom – oh! Who am I kidding? I’m just a tight arse! I really am beginning to feel I’ve spent two years deluding myself, that he doesn’t love me at all, that he never has. He’s never said it, not once. Only once he said ‘I hate you’, during the withdrawal of that implant and then he said – he said the lies were true, so I thought, you know? Hate born of passion, you only truly hate those you love – but he’s never said – M’mmm?” Julian found the flow of confused words stemmed with a gentle, open-mouthed kiss.

“I love you Julian. I’ve wanted you since I first saw you and loved you for nearly so long.”

“Miles?” Julian looked up. Miles had stood to be closer to Julian and was now leant over his chair looking into his confused hazel eyes. What had he done now?

“Julian my love.” Miles’ hand cupped Julian’s cheek and gently caressed. Julian leant into that caress a moment, tears of exhaustion and confusion filling his eyes but refusing to fall. Then he pushed Miles away, standing up and rushing for the door.

“Julian?” Miles called after him.

Julian turned, his eyes burning with the unshed tears. “I’m sorry – I’m not... ‘widowed’ yet. I won’t be unfaithful, I won’t. I’m sorry Miles...” and he fled the infirmary.

Miles punched the desk. The stock of neatly piled padds and books fell back onto the floor.

“Shit!” he swore. What the hell had he done now?”

 

 

Alone in his quarters, Miles O’Brien cursed himself over and over again. How could he have let his guard down and pushed himself on Julian? Now more than ever was the time to be a supportive friend and not to... Oh God! How could he? Perhaps a little more patience and Julian could be his. Damn! Now he’d scared him for good. He’d tried desperately hard to stare at the tech manual on the padd screen. Julian wasn’t the only one to throw himself into his work to forget his feelings. He dare not get drunk, if there was any news about the runabout...

The door chimed. O’Brien got up. In the doorway stood Julian Bashir, out of uniform. Julian was wearing something vaguely Arabic, or perhaps Bangladeshi; a long knee length shirt over baggy trousers in pale blue. The neck and front fastenings of the shirt, along with the cuffs of the pants, were embroidered in silver. He’d shaved and his hair was softer, less controlled. He smelt divine, his own musky scent mixing with Eastern patchouli. However, Miles was worried about Julian’s eyes, they seemed a little glazed over, blood-shot and unfocused. There was also an unfamiliar smoky, spicy-sweet, almost sickening smell that clung to his clothes along with the patchouli and Julian’s own sweet human musk scent.

“Aren’t you going to invite me in then?” He giggled in a rather affected way, putting his hand to his mouth.

Bejesus! thought Miles, scared. Now what had he done? Everything he’d wanted for so long seemed like it was being offered to him on a platter. He told himself to be careful, that Julian was acting more than a little weirdly, but he couldn’t drag his eyes away from him, his scent filled his nostrils. He tried to rationalize. Julian’s always been a little weird, he told himself, he’s hurting, confused, this... this? Oh God! What the hell? He smells gorgeous. He is gorgeous. What can he mean? Dressed up like this? But careful, don’t, don’t – Oh!

“Say something then,” Julian said, stepping into Miles’ quarters anyway, running his fingers lightly down Miles’ chest and then down further, lightly brushing his growing erection. Miles’ cock was in no confusion as to what was being offered.

Miles took a step back. Julian took a step forward, putting his palms on Miles’ chest.

“Did you mean it? About loving me?”

“J-Julian?” Miles tried to take a more aggressive attitude, even while his voice shook a little. This time he gently pushed Julian away.

“D-don’t you love me then?” Julian looked a little defeated, he hung his head.

“Yes. I do love you.”

Julian smiled. “Then you want me?”

How could he deny it, he was rock hard, as Julian had already felt – caused! Best to ignore his treacherous body. “I want what is best for you Julian. As I’ve said, I love you. Are you sure this is what you want?”

Julian laughed again, less of an affected giggle this time, more a genuine, seductive one. “I want you now. I’ve never had a human man inside me,” he said, lowering his voice to a conspiratorial whisper, seductive and low.

Miles really didn’t like the look of those glazed eyes and he was beginning to recognize that cloying, sickly, spicy-sweet smell – not that he’s smelt it since he and some of his college mates travelled throughout the Eastern hemisphere of Earth one vacation: hashish, hemp resin, the Christian killer of Muslim folklore, marijuana. Highly illegal and surely unobtainable here so far from Earth? Although no problem to synthesize in a replicator for a medic and scientist of Julian’s intellect and capabilities, no doubt!

He had to take control, and not in the sexual way that Julian obviously desired, although his erection was uncomfortable tight in his uniform and a small, selfish part of him could have happily pushed Bashir on his knees and has him there and then! Instead he roughly grabbed Julian’s shoulders and shook and shook.

“What the hell is the matter with you Julian? What do you want from me? I’m sorry I told you I love you. I’m sorry I kissed you. Is it me? Is it Garak? What is the matter?”

“Don’t you want me then? I thought you did?”

Miles pushed Julian to sit on the sofa and stormed off to the replicator. Turkish coffee seemed in keeping with Julian’s clothes and naustah – state of intoxication – so that was what he ordered.

“Miles. I’m sorry. I though...”

“Julian. What is it you want?”

“I feel so confused, all these worries I’ve been suppressing have come to the surface. I don’t really want Garak hurt – of course I’m really frightened for him and Odo – but I don’t want to be lied to anymore. I don’t like the way he always leaves me after sex – I want to be held, to hold him, to fall asleep in each other’s arms. Is that so wrong?”

“Well, no, it’s...” Miles was never given a chance to reply but he continued in his head – ‘normal to want that if you are human, but that bloody Cardy is using you Julian. I always knew you would get hurt. Kira even told you.’

Julian was continuing after interrupting Miles, “I want to live with him, wake up every morning with him, have breakfast together before we begin our working day – everything! I want – wanted! –” Julian looked down and he muttered hurriedly, “I wanted us to marry and adopt some Cardassian orphans, some of those abandoned on Bajor.” Julian looked up again, his face growing dark with anger. “I thought he was dead and he blew up his own shop! He wouldn’t trust me! He never once thought how I would feel to see that explosion. Not once! And then Odo comes back and it’s Tain this, Tain that – I’ve met Tain, I know they were lovers! Miles! He’s never loved me, he never stopped loving Tain – who exiled him, who would have let him die! A long time ago Dukat said of Garak and me, beggars can’t be choosers, and if one, pathetic weak human catamite is all that’s on offer – and I was! I was so naive. He might have been wonderful about how scared I was, but only because Garak is calculating and devious, and patient. Isn’t he?”

Miles O’Brien was silent. He sipped his own coffee. What could he say? It was all true; as far as Miles was concerned, all Cardassians were.

“Isn’t he?” repeated Julian forcefully, full of intoxicated anger.

“What are you saying Julian?”

“He was only supportive about the abuse so he could fuck me eventually, wasn’t he?”

“I don’t know what you are talking about Julian,” Miles said patiently, worrying how much Julian would regret this conversation when he was sober.

“My uncle sexually abused me. I was ten when it started and fourteen when it stopped.”

Miles cock shrivelled to nothing, his stomach did somersaults and his heart broke in two. He didn’t know what to say, but his eyes said it all – the shock, the horror, the pity, the anger, and the love, his real love for Julian.

“And Dukat raped me,” Julian went on, callously unaware, vindictively testing Miles to his limits. “Sometimes I think Garak’s only nice to me at all because he feels responsible.”

“Garak loves you,” Miles said dutifully.

“You don’t believe that!”

“Julian, I do. If I didn’t I would have come after you as soon as Keiko left. You were the one who facilitated her leaving, at the time I hoped – but I saw you with Garak and... Julian. What is it?”

“Oh! I – er –” the tears that had been burning in Julian’s eyes for sometime finally began to fall, messily and embarrassingly. “Miles! I feel so ill! I’m stoned. I smoked from my grandfather’s hookah and everything is spinning. I feel so dizzy!”

Miles was on the sofa holding Julian tightly within seconds. “Well, don’t panic, it will only make it worse. Did you eat anything after I got you that toast?”

“No. Why?”

“You’re asking me why? You’re a doctor! A stupid, irresponsible doctor. Julian. This is illegal – court martial-able! How could you? if you don’t look after yourself, no-one else – oh! Stay there!” said Miles. “I’m going to the replicator darling, to get you something more substantial to eat. No, stay on the sofa, you look fit to faint.”

Julian was curled up asleep when Miles returned with the stew, bread rolls and pitcher of orange juice. He sighed and fetched and blanket, dimmed the lights and went to bed himself.

 

 

A couple of hours later Miles awoke to the rocking sensation of someone – Julian – moving into bed with him. He turned over and put his arm out. It encircled a cold, naked figure – slim, smooth, soft skin over taut, tense muscles.

“I ate the stew,” Julian whispered. “Thank you.” he snuggled up to Miles, resting his head on his shoulder. One arm slipped over Miles’ chest and one leg slid across his thigh. The other hand slipped down and tentatively touched Miles’ rousing cock.

Half asleep Miles pulled Julian into a tight embrace. “You okay?” he muttered sleepily and yawned.

“My head hurts a bit – well, it doesn’t hurt so much as tingle. Interesting really... I mean, I’m sorry, I went kind of crazy. I do that sometimes. Not that I’ve done that before! I usually talk to Garak or Jabara, but Jabara’s on Bajor and Garak’s not here and now I don’t know if he loves me. Sometimes – sometimes my head is so full of Hasan Mamu and Gul Dukat I want to scream and bang my head against the wall until they go away, or I think about killing myself just to stop remembering, to stop feeling – even my body remembers! You can’t possibly imagine...” Julian was silent for a few moments. Miles held him tight. He’d have given anything to have that babble start up again. Julian’s silence was brooding and dark. “Do you really love me Miles? I need to know?” Julian finally asked.

Stroking his hair Miles thought angrily at Julian, ‘You fucking prick tease! You climb into my bed naked, smelling divine; asking if I love you but tell me you can’t cope with memories of rape and sexual abuse. How can I respond when I ache to respond? If would make me as bad as them’. Carefully he asked, “Why do you need to know Julian?”

“I want you too. When we went to Bajor to that village and they claimed you were the Sirah – God! You hated me then!

“God, that was so long ago Julian. You were so naive and irritating, so young, you never stopped talking...” Miles began.

“I know,” Julian said sadly. “I was just so glad to get away from Earth, from... from my father. He said everyone would hate me, I was so pathetic, a failure, I kind of went overboard trying to prove him wrong, and all I did...”

“S’sh.” Miles kissed him gently. “I also hated you because I wanted you, but I hadn’t figured that out yet.”

“Well, you remember they offered you all those pretty women?”

“I remember that!” Miles laughed.

“Well, I thought – you refused them because you were married, that impressed me, and – well, I could have fallen in love with you then, but you hated me...”

“I didn’t know. Everyone thought you were in love with Dax.”

“I wanted them to.”

“Ah.”

“And then you remember that time you were infected by the Harvesters and talked about marriage?”

“I sort of remember, I was kind of ill – if I remember rightly I was trying to distract myself from looking at you. I wasn’t going to die letting you think, letting you know...”

“But Miles. I wanted you too! Instead I pretended – oh, stupid me! Palis was my best friend, and we did finish each other’s thoughts you know, so it wasn’t really a lie, but I was in love with a cadet called Tom Paris. He spent all his money on gambling and drink, was utterly unfaithful, and was a complete bastard about the abuse. He made me – ugh! He made me suck him off by threatening to leave me and I was so stupidly in love – anyway, he slept with Palis and...”

“Julian!” this was wrung out of Miles in a cross between exasperation and annoyance.

“Well, it woke me up to what he was like. I forgave Palis but not him. But back then you seemed, well, you know, sort of typical non-com macho really, how could I tell you that I liked men!? Besides, you might have seen that I liked you.”

“Julian. I knew you were lying and I knew about Garak.”

“Oh?”

“And I’ve known about Dukat. I beamed you and Sisko to your quarters.”

“Oh God!”

“And my love, that’s when I knew what I thought was lust and an obsessive fantasy due to my bloody miserable marriage was love, that I was, am, in love with you. Sisko saw it. He ordered me to leave you alone. So sweetheart, tell me what it is you want from me? I don’t believe you’re ready to leave Garak and I don’t want to get involved in a messy divorce for Molly’s sake, although I know Keiko is having an affair.”

“My poor Miles!” Julian looked up and kissed him on the cheek. “I want to be loved. I’m lonely. I’m scared. I’m unhappy. And I want someone to love me – tonight. I dressed up for you. Garak doesn’t like my clothes. At least Tom appreciated my dress sense,” he added miserably, continuing as Miles was about to speak, “Tom’s dead. He was on Voyager.”

“It’s only missing,” Miles murmured.

“Oh yeah? Then where the hell is it? He’d probably rather be dead anyway, they took him out of prison to...”

“He was in the Marquis.”

“Oh Julian, from Marquis to Cardassian, you do have some track record!”

Julian laughed; it was after all slightly amusing in a sad irony. “You never said if you like my clothes?”

“You never gave me a chance. I think you’re beautiful Julian, and you looked gorgeous tonight. You’re gorgeous.

“Oh Miles, I’ll do anything for you. Tonight you can do whatever you want to me.”

“Julian,” Miles kissed him deeply, rolling on top of him, “tonight you feel loved. I promise you.”

Their lovemaking was at first tender, gentle, exploring one another tentatively, finding out what pleased the other. Miles had never been with another man, although he’d fantasized often enough about making love to Julian. He was surprised how little different it was having a man lie underneath him – except for the sensation of Julian’s erection pressing against his. Julian’s responses were the same as any woman Miles had been with, although he didn’t have that much experience before Keiko. As for Julian, he was so used to being with Garak that being with another human felt strange and new. Eventually Julian looked expectantly at Miles, wanting him inside him. But fantasy was one thing, reality another. Julian could read the uncertainty in Miles’ eyes. He smiled reassuringly and then rolled them over so he was on top. He slid down Miles’ body, kissing and biting as he went and then took the hard cock in his mouth – but not for long! When he’d climbed into bed he had brought lubrication with him – indeed, he had brought it with him to Miles’ quarters – and he reached for it now and liberally coated Miles’ cock. Then, raising himself up he angled himself so he could take Miles inside him with such a swift movement it had happened before Miles was able to realize what Julian was doing.

He swore! Julian was so tight, so warm. It was both familiar and unfamiliar. Julian gently moved his hips and then raised himself up so as only the tip remained within him and then slowly lowered himself. Miles could only cry out inarticulately – surely he would wake up in a moment, this must be a dream? Julian repeated this several times, a beautiful smile on his lips, watching Miles with eyes more amused than aroused, although he obvious was, physically. He was giving himself with more desire to be loved than any real sexual desire for Miles on his part. But he knew Miles had been without any physical gratification since Keiko had left the station.

Suddenly Miles could no longer take this teasing any longer and grabbed hold of Julian’s bins and began to thrust back up and then harder until Julian was crying out with need, moving to meet those thrusts. He struggled in Miles’ grasp, gyrating his hips; getting Miles to rub that spot within him, just there... Oh!

And Julian was first to reach orgasm, the milky fluid falling like pearls onto Miles’ belly. But Miles wasn’t that far behind, spurting up hot semen deep within Julian.

Then Julian laughed. A happy, a genuinely happy sound that Miles could not understand. No guilt, no confusion about Garak, and not the after-sex glow of contentment, but a truly joyful laugh. Julian couldn’t really explain it himself, he just felt terribly happy and somehow relieved, as if some great weight pressing him down since - since Dukat raped him? Since he admitted to himself that he were a homosexual? Since the abuse began? – had been lifted. He’d taken the initiative with a man who knew nothing about the abuse, who didn’t feel responsible for him. He always felt as if he were supposed to be terribly grateful for Garak’s wonderful patience and understanding. But why should he? It wasn’t his fault; he only wanted to be himself. Miles had let him be more himself without censure – or worse, the cutting sarcasm. He laughed some more, falling into Miles’ arms, allowing himself to be showered in the tiniest of loving kisses.

Julian half-dozed, Miles wouldn’t let him fall asleep, continuing as he did with those gentle, loving kisses and the softest of caresses. It was heaven, and so unlike Garak who would be dressing by now. Eventually he opened his eyes, stretching out like a cat and sighing. “You want to do it again,” he asked lazily, with a yawn.

“Only if you too,” Miles lied, each word punctuated with a kiss on Julian’s neck and ear. He rolled on top of Julian and kissed him deeply before he could reply, “But it might take me a while longer. I’m not as young as you!” He then kissed him again.

When Julian’s mouth was his own he laughed and said, “Feels like you’re doing fine,” as he rocked his hips up to brush their hardening cocks together. “I’d do anything for you tonight. I’ll turn over if you’d like. Would you like me to turn over?” He was breathless and seductive.

Miles looked confused and disappointed. “I want to see your face when we – I want to look into your eyes again – you have the most beautiful eyes...” he kissed each one in turn. “It’s the thing people notice about you first.”

“I think we can do that,” Julian replied, smiling then kissing Miles while raising his legs, slowly running his feet seductively along the backs of Miles’ legs, over his bottom and then along his sides until he hooked one and then the other leg over Miles’ shoulders. Miles was surprised to find his now hard cock pressing against Julian’s opening and still slick from before penetrated him in one long, hard thrust.

Julian pulled away from Miles’ mouth to cry out sharply, squirming under him and arching his back.

Disturbed by his cry, Miles hurriedly demanded, “Sweetheart, have I hurt you?”

“No! Oh no! Don’t ever stop!” Julian resumed kissing Miles and tangled his fingers in those dirty blond curls. Miles needed no more encouragement but was given plenty anyway as Julian clutched at him convulsively with both legs and hands, kissing him frantically, biting his shoulders and gasping out the occasional word. “Oh don’t stop – fuck me harder – harder! Just there! There! Don’t stop!”

All Miles said in response was Julian’s name over and over again, that and, “I love you.”

Finally exhausted and satiated they fell asleep in each other’s arms. Miles still not quite believing he’d finally got what he wanted after so long of fantasizing and Julian believing he’d found someone who truly loved and respected him.

 

 

They met for lunch the following day. They had not had time for breakfast; both men had overslept and had to rush of to their stations with barely a word.

‘This was a mistake’ thought O’Brien as he watched but not listened to Bashir, who was babbling awkwardly about something, what it was didn’t matter, something about a young Bajoran novelist who had won a Federation literature award, he thought. But it was his tone of voice was what counted, and he was embarrassed, O’Brien could tell. ‘A definite mistake. All of it. Will you not shut up Julian! It’s strange how you can irritate me as much as ever...’

“Uh?” Miles responded to a prompting look from Bashir.

‘Oh, a mistake. I love you but your incessant babbling drives me mad!’

“I heard every word,” O’Brien lied.

‘Oh don’t look at me with those big brown eyes! I want to kiss you. I want to shut up your endless drivel by kissing you until you beg me like you did last night. Except you won’t Julian. You used me...’

“About which part exactly?” Miles asked, forced to take part in what was not the beginning of what felt like a long discussion of Julian’s on his discovery of a vaccine for a Bajoran childhood disease.

‘Oh shut up. Shut up. I know you’re bloody clever! Oh, those eyes, he’s feeling rejected. I don’t want to reject you my darling Julian, but you will reject me. I know. Better I reject you and spare you more guilt. Oh, make him smile!’

“My mother taught me if you combine eating and talking you’ll end up doing neither very well.”

‘Oh Julian, my sun, my moon, my stars, you are beautiful, gorgeous. Telling you was a mistake. Last night was a mistake. One night of paradise isn’t enough. Oh, don’t mention that bloody Cardy to me. You ask me for reassurance, for news? Twist the knife in a bit more you bastard! I love you, you seduce me – you let me fuck the life out of you and it means nothing to you – I mean nothing to you! Some compassion, Dr. Bashir! This was a mistake, it’s torture. I love you Julian. I love you. I can’t even look at you for fear I might get close to tears. I love you so much I’ll...’

“Chief,” Kira’s voice said on the comm. “Report to Ops. There’s something we’d like you to look at.”

“Oh my way Major.”

‘Look at him; relieved I’m going. He had no idea how I’m feeling.’

 

 

‘Thank God he’s gone. This was such a mistake. He was a mistake. Barbarian, stuffing his face full of food – he’s not interested in me, in my ideas, my opinions. To think I let him... I’m just a... Oh God! Garak wants me to talk, he’s interested in me, my opinions, all of me – oh no, really he prefers an argument on literature to sex anyway, I’m going round in circles, it doesn’t prove he loves me. but I love him! I don’t believe Miles does. I’m just a... he just... Oh my God! How could I have!?! With a married man! With Chief O’Brien! Garak is going to kill me!’

The red alert sounded and grateful not to think, Julian race back to the Infirmary, his soup untouched.

**Author's Note:**

> This a sequel to Survivor and uses the same back story as Loss and Faith, my first DS9 fic. The mentions of the abuse in Julian's past are sexual, physical and mental. Also, quite frankly, if being disappointed in your child as he is, taking him out of Federation space to have him completely re-engineered into something more pleasing and then enforcing his silence if it is not mental abuse? Although not stated here, Julian also feels certain, due to his father's homophobia, had he known his son's sexuality he would have had that genetically re-written too!


End file.
